Katrynka's Weyr

There is a blog that I have been following for about 8 months or so. I don’t recall how I found it. It was an infertility blog, and I randomly happened to find it right before she announced that finally all of their TTC efforts were successful, and that she was pregnant. I continued to follow, and now she is about ready to deliver.

She wrote a post earlier this week that really turned me off. It was an entire post about stretch marks and the various creams and lotions that she used to try to avoid them. The post just really struck me the wrong way. It just seemed so superficial. After all of her posts about how badly she wanted a baby, how agonizing it was to have failure after failure; now she writes about stretch marks??? I’d be flipping jumping for joy about my stretch marks if they were from being pregnant (and the pregnancy had the happy result of a healthy baby), rather than just from being overweight.

Oh well, such is life. I decided to refrain from commenting on her post, and instead came here to tell my tale of woe. Its been a rough week for some reason. A “Christmas letter” (arrived after New Years!) threw me for a loop when my friend wrote about her impending grandchild. It just really hurt to think that I recall when she had her daughter, and now all these years later I do not not have a child of my own, which of course means no grandchildren either. Sometimes life really makes me tired.

A couple days ago I was reading a post by Klara. It really struck home, it describes that feeling of missing someone/something that you never had, missing the person that you never got to be. This poem was originally written in German, but thank heaven for Google translator!

I miss you …

You have no face,
But I miss you.

You have no name
But I miss you.

You are never met me,
But I miss you.

The longer you’re not there,
the greater is the emptiness inside me.

The longer you’re not there,
the greater the fear,

You can never hold her,
You can never show the world,

Can not give you anything to – except for my tears.

© Barbara Heinemann

Life just seems to get in the way of the fun things sometimes. The past few months have been better, but for a while I was really struggling with a lot of stuff. It still comes and goes, but I think it will always be that way to some extent. I don’t really talk about this a lot, just to a few people, but for all intents and purpose I am childless not by choice. Can’t really say what caused it, neither I or hubby have ever been tested for anything.  For various reasons we never pursued any testing or intervention. Adoption was not for us either.

So here I am, without kids. I never in a million years would have imagined that would be me, and it is really hard for me to deal with sometimes. I spend time reading various things online, trying to be happy with my life the way it is. But the stupidest things can come up and knock me for a loop. A week or two ago, I was looking at some comments on a friend’s Facebook page. One of the profile photos looked familiar, and after looking at that person’s page, I realized that I know her husband through a group that my husband belongs to, and that I had met her at a party. I texted my friend to ask her how she knew this person, and she writes back “from my mommy’s group.” For some reason that just really hit me hard. Why does she get to be a mommy, and I didn’t??

I just try to pick myself up over and over again and remind myself that although it has not turned out the way I visualized, I don’t have a bad life. Actually it is a good life, a lot better than a lot of other people have.

So, that is some of the stuff that has been swirling around in my head. I will try to get to some fun crafty posts in the next day or two.