Childless not by choice

I am participating in Kelly’s Korner “Show us your life” post, today is about infertility. This is such a difficult subject for me. I can rarely write about it without crying. I can sometimes touch on it quickly during conversations without losing it, but if the conversation gets more in depth, tears are sure to fall.

All my life I planned to have children. My life went very well in all areas except one. I went to college, continued on to Physical Therapy school, and after graduation got a job as a pediatric physical therapist. I bought my first new car, moved into my first apartment by myself, and brought home two cats. After about 10 years I bought my own home, fenced in the yard, and took in a stray dog. My life was full of family, friends, pets and many other wonderful things. I just never did well in the dating arena. I have never been a bar or nightclub sort. I tried various singles church events etc, but never had any luck. Finally I decided to give internet dating a try. Fairly quickly I met a great guy, but he was not sure that he wanted anymore kids (he had a daughter from a first marriage). I struggled with this, as I knew I wanted kids, but I also wanted love, and I finally decided that I did not want to give up the surety of a man I loved in the present for the possibility of children in the future, especially as I was 36 years old.

After much discussion, we decided to get married, and that he was okay to have a child if we got pregnant. We did not prevent pregnancy after that point, but I never got pregnant. For various reasons too complex to address succinctly here, we never pursued fertility treatments. So now I am left with the reality that we are childless not by choice (his daughter is out of high school, lives in Illinois, and has chosen to distance herself from us).

I have posted a few other things about infertility, and our specific situation.

My Daily Struggle
But I thought you didn’t have any kids??!
It is hard to think of what I will never be


This is one of my sweet kitties, her name is Lexi.

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2 Responses to Childless not by choice

  1. Janelle says:

    I feel your pain! I married shortly after I turned 40. Met the husband online also. He agreed to try to have children (not too aggressively – no fertility treatments, etc.) before we married. After we married, he failed to tell me that he had changed his mind and would NOT be having children! Our “marriage” is more like a mooching roommate situation – he does not work and I work/pay all the bills. Crappy life! And now at 50, I won’t be having kids, but I do have my dogs and kitten – never in my life what I would have expected and can’t even think about the hurt that I feel….Thank you for sharing your story!

  2. Mali says:

    I’m sorry I missed this when you posted it. It is hard posting these stories, admitting our feelings and vulnerabilities to the world at large. All I can say is well done. I hear you. I too couldn’t have children. It gets easier. But it still hurts.

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