For the record friday

I’m trying to get myself to write more, so I was looking around for link-ups for ideas for posts.

1. Favorite Picture of the Week

I’m excited about learning to knit Fair Isle, this is the swatch for the hat I am going to make for my neighbor:

2. What TV show are you addicted to right now?

Wow, that is a difficult one! We watch entirely too much TV! Big Bang Theory is always great, and I always love Bones. We also never miss Elementary and Shameless. Sadly the list could go on for a while!

3. What Book(s), if any, did you read this week?

I did not really read any books this week, but I did read a great one last week: Inside These Walls, By Rebecca Coleman
I really enjoyed the story, it made me want to stay up late to finish it.

4. Song you can’t stop listening to

I just listen to whatever is on the radio, although I enjoy music, I am not a big one for seeking out new stuff.

5. Something funny/awesome that happened was….

It was awesome to have a snow day at home with hubby on Monday!!

6. Something not so awesome that happened was….

It was a rough developmental clinic at my job this week, several children with problems that we had to discuss with their parents, that is always difficult.

7. Favorite blog post you posted or came across this week….

I loved the bedroom in this post, I’d love this bedroom, and I’m not a little girl!

8. The best dinner you had this week was…

Homemade stuffed bell peppers, made with ground venison! Yummy!

9. Plans for the weekend….

Attend a continuing education course in the use of Pilates in physical therapy.

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Childless not by choice

I am participating in Kelly’s Korner “Show us your life” post, today is about infertility. This is such a difficult subject for me. I can rarely write about it without crying. I can sometimes touch on it quickly during conversations without losing it, but if the conversation gets more in depth, tears are sure to fall.

All my life I planned to have children. My life went very well in all areas except one. I went to college, continued on to Physical Therapy school, and after graduation got a job as a pediatric physical therapist. I bought my first new car, moved into my first apartment by myself, and brought home two cats. After about 10 years I bought my own home, fenced in the yard, and took in a stray dog. My life was full of family, friends, pets and many other wonderful things. I just never did well in the dating arena. I have never been a bar or nightclub sort. I tried various singles church events etc, but never had any luck. Finally I decided to give internet dating a try. Fairly quickly I met a great guy, but he was not sure that he wanted anymore kids (he had a daughter from a first marriage). I struggled with this, as I knew I wanted kids, but I also wanted love, and I finally decided that I did not want to give up the surety of a man I loved in the present for the possibility of children in the future, especially as I was 36 years old.

After much discussion, we decided to get married, and that he was okay to have a child if we got pregnant. We did not prevent pregnancy after that point, but I never got pregnant. For various reasons too complex to address succinctly here, we never pursued fertility treatments. So now I am left with the reality that we are childless not by choice (his daughter is out of high school, lives in Illinois, and has chosen to distance herself from us).

I have posted a few other things about infertility, and our specific situation.

My Daily Struggle
But I thought you didn’t have any kids??!
It is hard to think of what I will never be

This is one of my sweet kitties, her name is Lexi.

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Some yarny fun!!

These photos are from several years ago. I cannot recall when I took this class, and I cannot even find the info on Flickr to see when I uploaded them! Anyway, I took a class to learn how to dye yarn. It was part of a combined class: learn to dye sock yarn, and then knit socks with it It was really fun to do the dying!

This is one skein laid out after I dyed it.

These are my three skeins hanging in the shower at home to finish drying.

Here is the skein that is on the left above, wound into a hank, and below it is wound into a cake.

IMG_0165 by euler357
IMG_0165, a photo by euler357 on Flickr.

I did complete one sock, and have part of another one done, but they are in a knitting bag, and I do not have any photos of them!

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Stop all the clocks…

This post has been rumbling around in my head for a couple days. I hope that I can do justice to this topic, because this is very important.

This week a dear, dear friend passed away. Katie McGuire was an amazing woman who touched many lives throughout her lifetime. I met her 30 years ago when she was at my physical therapy school recruiting counselors for MDA summer camp. When I was told of her passing on Thursday morning, I felt such shock and disbelief. She was still so young, and so vibrant and full of life. Since Thursday I have wanted or almost expected to hear an announcement on the radio, or read about her in the newspapers. She held such an important place in the lives of so many people, extending way beyond the boundaries of her family, who of course will miss her more than many of us can imagine. There is a poem by W. H. Auden that expresses what I feel.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W. H. Auden

To me this just conveys the sense of how the world is a little less without Katie, things do not shine quite as brightly. Someone wrote (I’m sorry I cannot recall who) on a Facebook post that when Katie was with you she made you feel like you were her best friend, and that was just so true. She was always so surprised, touched and thankful when anyone would give her a gift, or acknowledge how much she had helped them. She did not see anything amazing in the way that she gave so much of herself. It was just the way she was.

When Katie had a battle with cancer many years ago, I remember that I was doing a home health job, so I spent many hours in my car. I would pray for Katie whenever she entered my mind, praying for her to be pain free, and to have peace in that moment, as well as for her healing. I remember telling God that he could not have her yet, that she had to many things left to do on this earth, too many people here still needed her so much. When I talked to her about this later, she said that she could feel when people were praying for her, that there were times when all of the sudden the pain would stop, or she would feel lifted up and full of hope and energy. When she shared that the doctors felt that she had beat the cancer, I remember being so happy that she would be with us for years to come. How I wish that it had been many more years than this.

Since Thursday I find myself thinking of Katie all of the time, missing her, thinking of her children, grandchildren and other family, I also think of all of us whose lives she has touched. For perhaps the first time ever, I have found myself looking forward to a funeral. If I can’t be with Katie again, I want to be surrounded by people who love her, who understand what an amazing person that she was. People who will understand that all the superlatives in the world are not enough to accurately describe our dear, sweet, wonderful, special Katie McGuire.

And I am thankful for our short phone call a week ago when we made plans for two weeks from now for lunch. I would have much rather had the time spent with her, but at least I got to talk to her one last time.

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.
Henry Scott Holland

Posted in MDA, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

It’s a new year!

I’m a bit behind posting for the new year, but that’s pretty typical! Chris and I had a relaxing New Year’s day after spending a nice evening at our friend’s house to ring in the new year.

Chris downloaded Civilization V, and spent quite a few hours playing that, while I spent time up in my sewing and crafting room! I managed to cut off and finish the edges of 4 pairs of pants that needed hemming. I hemmed one pair while watching TV later in the evening. I will have to work on the rest this week!

I also came up with a card design! I completed one fully, and have 4 more in various states of completion. About 1/2 hour of work and they should be done. I’d like to come up with another design today, but we shall see how that goes. I really need to do some purging of excess stuff, as well as collecting all like things together to allow for some serious organization. I’d love to hire an organizer to help with the final organization portion. I’d rather do the weeding out on my own. An organizer recently told me that they can help with that as well, but I’m not up for the pressure of doing it with input from someone else!

Anyway, here is the card!

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Blogtember – September 9th

The instructions for today are:

Monday, September 9: Take this short personality test and respond to your results. (at the end, find the detailed profile of your personality account – click “click to view” under “You” and “self awareness and personal growth.” You can even google your type and find more info on it!)

This is how I came out:

Extravert(56%) iNtuitive(12%) Feeling(75%) Perceiving(11)%

You have moderate preference of Extraversion over Introversion (56%)
You have slight preference of Intuition over Sensing (12%)
You have distinctive preference of Feeling over Thinking (75%)
You have slight preference of Perceiving over Judging (11%)

I have taken these tests in the past. One of the big things I notice while taking them is that I often have a difficult time choosing between two answers! I really want there to be a “maybe” or “mostly” or “sometimes”! I have considered trying it answering them one way, keeping track, and then doing the opposite to see where I end up, but that seems a bit time consuming!

The other thing that I think of when I take these tests is of an exercise that I did in my Psych class when I was in college. We all took a test (I don’t recall the specifics of the test!), it was scored, and we all received a personality profile in the next class. After we had read them we were asked how accurate we thought they were. Most of us said we thought they were not perfect, but not too far off. Then the instructor told us that we were all holding the exact same profile!! He said that they are designed in such a way that they can describe many people, especially as we all give heavier weight to the parts that we feel are like us, and less weights to the parts that are not like us. He said this is how Zodiac sign descriptions etc are written. Ever since this class, I have been somewhat skeptical about these tests, especially when you add in what I describe above, that I feel like I could answer many of the questions either way!!

Apropos of nothing, here is a photo of my cute puppy on the boat!! (I just wanted to include a photo in the post!!)

On the boat with Merlin

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Getting back on the horse! (And a rant about the poor writing I find on various blogs!)

I sort of fell down a deep hole after attempting to blog every day in May. Work just kept getting crazier, and other things in life continue to need to be attended to. Things such as laundry, dishes, pet feeding, husband feeding! I could manage for a while on oodles of noodles and PB&J, but hubby…not so much!!

Work is slowly getting better, and we are basically clothed and fed. Plus I miss the excitement of the idea that someone might be reading!!

We have had WICKED rains here lately, although I shall not complain much as compared to many others, both locally and around the nation, we have had minimal damage. Although… it is a bit disheartening to live with a very wet basement floor, even if it is bare concrete!

At the moment I am hiding from other jobs around the house that I need to be doing, and I will quickly return to them after this brief respite!

The rant is regarding the wanton butchering of the English language that occurs on these here interwebs! I was talking with my daughter about this yesterday. I cringe when I read things such as ” I cannot bare it when people cut me off in traffic.” It is supposed to be “bear”,from the root word “forbear”. Another one I see all the time is when people are “pouring over the new book I just bought.” The word is poring!! Just this morning I someone write “and without further adieu”!! It is supposed to be further ado! Adieu is the French word for goodbye!!

Well, I shall bid you adieu, as I am being summoned by hubby!

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letter to readers

Day 27

a letter to your readers

I don’t really have that many “readers”, but here goes!

Dear Readers,

thanks for the time that you have taken to read my posts the past 27 days! I have tried to be honest and interesting!! Who knows if I’ve really accomplished the interesting part, but all I can do is try! I know I should have added more photos, but I did not always have any that related, and I was severely pushed for time for some of the posts!

It should also be noted that I tend to use exclamation points rather excessively. At times I remember that I should tone it down some, at other times I use at least one for every sentence. Perhaps my writing is somewhat similar to my speaking!

I can assure you that I will NOT be posting every day at any time in the near future. I have an increased admiration for people who do this for a living! Although they do not have the outside the home job responsibilities, I am sure they have the ordinary life responsibilities that we all have. Although it does seem a bit tempting to be paid for spending time on the net, I know that the reality would be significantly less glamorous!

To end, here is a photo of grown men playing in a sand pile with remotely operated toy machinery!!
Cabin Fever 2012

Thank you for your support!


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read online

Day 26

Something you read online, leave a link and discuss if you’d like

I spend a lot of time on the internet (probably too much time, but such is life!!) A fair amount of the time is reading blogs, some is spent looking for info for patient care info, therapy ideas etc. I also look for various craft info, inspiration etc. In recent years I have spent time reading about being childless not by choice. I stumbled across this article a while back. The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life

It is quite intense, at least to me. This woman talks about how she did not want her two children, and how her life would have been so much better without them. I do not have any problem with her feeling that way, and I appreciate her brutal honesty. The thing that I struggle with is that she reveals her identity. I really cannot imagine how difficult it is for her children to hear the things that she has to say. It seems from the article that she was a good mom, although not an expressive or affectionate one. But I would be hurt if my mom said that I took from her and she got nothing in return. I work with children every day, they are not my own children, and I feel that I get positive things from them, so I think it would be magnified if they were your own (although the responsibilities are magnified as well.)

Posted in Blog Every Day in May, Childless not by choice | 2 Comments

About myself

Day 25

Something someone told you about yourself that you will never forget (good or bad)

I’m going to go with the something good, being that it is my birthday, I don’t want to talk about something bad about myself!!

I have loved animals ever since I can remember. My Mom has photos of me learning to walk holding onto our Collie dog’s fur. The only time that I have ever been without pets is when I was in college and could not have them in the dorm. As soon as I graduated and got my own apartment, I got two kittens from my parent’s farm, and I have had pets ever since!

A few years back, Garyth, our Australian shepherd became very ill. He was 18.5 years old. He had been having TIAs, but then he had a stroke, and he could no longer stand up on his own, even when I stood him up in the grass which was the place where he had the most traction.

When we took him to the vet, I was in agony that I was being too hasty in deciding that it was the end. Our vet is a wonderful person. He told me not to ever feel that way, that I had given Garyth the best life possible. He told me that he had a lady come in earlier in the week complaining about her geriatric dog having some intermittent problems holding his urine. Dr Russ said to me: I thought of you, and how Garyth has been in diapers for years, and you have never once complained. All you have ever done is look for ways to make life for your pets the best it can possibly be. Your question is always “is there some way to make this better for them?”

He made me feel so much better, that someone who sees many people with their pets, said that he felt like I did a good job.

Here is a photo of my handsome boy! Sorry for the red eyes!

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